Today’s world is absolutely wrought with conflict. I often find myself muttering the trite question “Why can’t we all just be nice to each other?” as I try to live my day-to-day life, ducking out of hard conversations and complaining bitterly over my brother’s latest screw-up.
However, St. Francis de Sales, often referred to as the “gentle saint,” would argue that these situations of conflict do not make it impossible to love our neighbor. On the contrary, times of disagreement are an opportunity to show even more love. When I compile his words, St. Francis seems to propose a four-step process to deal with an affront.
Step One: Give the Offender the Benefit of the Doubt!
Often, I encounter someone who is doing or saying something absolutely egregious—or so it seems at first glance. St. Francis de Sales directs: "Whatever we see our neighbor do, we must strive to interpret it in the best manner possible." When I brainstorm non-malicious reasons for people’s actions, I feel a lot more at peace.
Maybe the person who cut me off on 309 is racing to the hospital to deliver their first child!
Maybe my snippy professor just got horrible news back home.
Maybe my brother is bringing my stolen dessert to someone who really needs it!
My projected intentions may be unlikely, but they put me in a much better mindset to deal with the perceived offense. St. Francis also reminds us that an isolated situation probably does not represent the entire person, and that, because God’s grace works in a single moment, “What assurance can we have that a person who was a sinner yesterday is a sinner today?"
Step Two: Confront your Neighbor Peacefully!
With this first step in mind, the gentle saint does advise us to confront those who have hurt us. "It is important to resist evil and address the faults of those placed in our care, and this must be done constantly and courageously, but gently and peacefully." Obviously, if the offense comes from a stranger or distant acquaintance, it would be better to forgive and forget, but when we are dealing with someone “placed in our care,” we absolutely should address the situation.
Step Three: Don’t Spread Gossip!
The number one factor that exacerbates drama is to spread it around. If a friend, or even an acquaintance, has done something that we know to be wrong, telling other people will do nothing but cause hurt. St. Francis writes: "Refrain from imputing imaginary faults to your neighbor, from revealing those which are secret and from exaggerating those which are obvious." When has gossiping ever helped a situation?
Step Four: Forgive and Live!
Frankly, the only resolution to any conflict is forgiveness. St. Francis is direct with this point: "Support and excuse your neighbor with great generosity of heart." Holding a grudge will hurt us much more than it will hurt the other, and the longer we stew over the offense the longer the conflict will last. The way to love our neighbor is not to avoid all conflict, but to show forgiveness when a conflict arises.
In sum, we can heed a final word from our patron saint: "Let us walk on the way with our brothers and sisters gently, peacefully, and amiably."
By Genevieve O’Connor, Oblates Social Media Intern
