Last month, the Oblates Retirement Community in Childs, MD celebrated St. Jane de Chantal, VHM, secondary patroness of the Oblates of St. Francis de Sales. One of her sayings that is a favorite of mine is: “In prayer, more is accomplished by listening than by talking.” More IS accomplished by listening but how good are our listening skills?
Mine needed coaching to develop. I am often affirmed for my listening skills, but there are times that my thoughts are elsewhere when someone else, even God, is speaking. At those times I need a “refresher course” to get back on track. I’m reminded of this fact when I watch a TV game show. The show’s host or hostess asks a question and before they are finished asking the question, a contestant responds, often with the wrong answer. Why? Because they didn’t wait to hear the entire question before responding. They only partially listened. Another illustration is when I am in conversation with someone and blank out on what the person just shared. I need to ask: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that for me?” I feel caught and embarrassed. If I’d really been listening, I would not have needed to ask for the repeat.
Listening takes time and practice to develop. When I was Co-Director of Pastoral Life for the Dominican Sisters of Grand Rapids, MI we had a workshop on listening and communication. The presenter, David Gergen, offered guidance on what is needed for real listening to happen and gave us exercises from which we could learn and develop our skills for listening and responding. According to Mr. Gergen, one of the biggest blocks to listening during a conversation is trying to formulate a response even before another person has finished speaking. This is an obstacle because we tend to focus on what we are going to say in response, that we can’t hear what the other person is really saying. We are more focused on ourselves than the speaker and what they are conveying to us.
It is important to try to take in and reflect on what the person is saying before responding. This can be difficult for an extrovert like me. Extroverts tend to react rather than take time to process. When I take that time I can ask clarifying questions, share my views in ways that respect what another has said, and find ways to deepen dialogue rather than debate. It’s not about winning and losing.
This is true in my life of prayer. I can be so busy telling God what is on my mind, on my heart, and what I want, that I don’t make room to listen for God’s voice and what God might be trying to say to me. I need to be willing to sit in the quiet and give God a chance to respond or to show me where God has responded in my life and I missed the cue. To sit in the quiet takes work, especially when we want to open our minds, hearts, and beings to where God is in our lives and what God is saying to us. Only after listening can I engage in a dialogue that deepens our relationship and my understanding of God’s Will and how I can live it more clearly.
This is related to what I wrote in my June article about “Be who you are and be that well.” Listening asks me to be with God and consciously bring my whole self into our relationship. Try this exercise:
Put your feet flat on the floor.
Close your eyes.
Become aware of your breathing: taking in the Spirit of God and releasing all that is not of God.
Listen for God’s voice in the quiet that frees you to hear what is of God in your inner voices, your life events, your joys, and your sorrows. Listen.
Now dialogue with God: ask for clarification, tell God what is on your mind and heart, name your concerns and your places of peace.
With each speaking from you, make sure you take more time to listen for God’s voice.
When you are finished, thank God for your time together. Listen for any last word that God may offer you.
Then become aware of your breathing again taking in one last deep breath. Feel God’s presence fill your entire being.
Open your eyes and go on with your day.
Remember St. Jane’s words: “In prayer, more is accomplished by listening than by talking.”
Fr. Paul Colloton, OSFS, D.Min.
Superior
DeSales Centre Oblate Residence, Childs, MD
Did you enjoy this article? Click here to email Fr. Paul Colloton, OSFS, D.Min.
