Saint Francis de Sales teaches us: "When you encounter difficulties and contradictions
do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time" (LR I 6). It is a nice idea and a worthy goal, but difficult to live, especially in the midst of our difficulties and contradictions. I lived with a Friar who was a recovering alcoholic. He came to sobriety later in life, one day at a time, for over twenty years. When he had challenging days he would say that treatment taught him to “adjust his happiness.” But when really frustrated, he would say: “I’m tired of adjusting my happiness. However, truth be told, it works.”
The need for those adjustments in life often comes when I’m amid an argument or when I see life completely opposite to those with whom I work, live or befriend. At those times I want to put the other person down, prove them wrong for all to see, and get the conflict resolved immediately. Of course, I want the resolution to be my side of the argument and not theirs. However, I’ve learned that trying to rush to a conclusion often results in more conflict and even a wall that misses the possibility of reconciliation or strengthening a relationship. I’ve learned that true resolution only can happen when I’m willing to do the work of listening to the other, speaking my truth gently yet firmly, and then taking the time for the dialogue needed to arrive at a place of resolution or peaceful co-existence.
For example, I was in a meeting that needed to address policies that would foster the health of people living in a community. We laid out the questions that we had and spoke about the information that we had gathered about what could keep people healthy. We voiced the pros and cons of the information shared in light of the realities of everyone involved. At one point I was told that I had been given information that I said I’d not heard before and told so rather strongly. I wanted to pounce on the person who said that. However, I took a deep breath, remembering de Sales’ words, and then asked: “Help me recall the context in which that information was shared.” When the other person simply began to repeat what had been said, I breathed deeply again and said: “I’m not questioning the information. I don’t remember you sharing it before, so please help me recall the context in which you shared the information with me.” The person described what they remembered about the situation. I noted that we’d had a few conversations with similar contexts and that I didn’t really remember hearing the information before. I didn’t have to say the other person was wrong. They didn’t have to push me about something that I did not remember. We could move on in that meeting.
Now, I’ve been in other situations where I did point a finger and said “You’re wrong.” I’ve been in situations where the other person raised a voice and had something nasty to say about my recollection. I don’t want to come off sounding like a model of living de Sales’ advice. But in that meeting, it worked. A deep breath gave me the space to exhale and let my anger go. A deep breath gave me the space to recall the invitation to gentleness that is an important part of our Salesian tradition. And then taking a moment, taking time, before I responded helped me think of words that did not try to break or force the other person, but rather invited a gentle bending which proved helpful to moving on and maintaining peace with the other person.
I often find that our conflicts and difficulties are worsened because we respond too quickly and/or use violent words of force rather than inviting words of gentleness, firm gentleness at times, but gentleness nonetheless. Imagine what our world and our relationships would be like if we committed to gentleness rather than violence and if we took time to respond, even a few minutes, rather than the knee-jerk reactions that most often get us in deeper trouble. Saint Francis de Sales also taught: “The worst way of speaking is to speak too much. Therefore speak little and well, speak little and gently, speak little and charitably, speak little and amiably.”
Letting these two quotes guide our Lenten fasting can lead to an almsgiving of increased gentleness and reconciliation that will help us live Jesus more clearly and join in Resurrection joy at Easter and beyond. May God be praised.
Father Paul Colloton, OSFS, D.Min.
Superior, De Sales Centre Oblate Residence
Childs, MD
