Like many of you, I have been blessed to play various roles in my life: mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, professor, businesswoman, neighbor, parishioner, volunteer.
These wonderful roles offer opportunities to encounter so many people in different contexts. The people and these situations present great joy and also great conflict. Salesian Spirituality is a wonderful tool to help me find peace in my life.
For some of us, it is in the closest of our relationships where we feel least at peace. Lying in bed at the end of the day beside my husband, in the stillness of the night can be the most intimate moment and yet, when there is conflict between us, these can also be the absolute loneliest. For those who know us best, those closest to us, the ones we are journeying through life beside us, are often the ones with whom we do not seek peace.
Sometimes we become accustomed to the gaps, we accept the divisions between as just another aspect of the relationship. We wait with uncertain anticipation of when that which divides us will again be brought up, the argument replayed, the divide forge deeper.
Saint Francis tells us to “Be who we are and be that well.” But, to do so, I believe we must let others, especially those closest to us, ‘Be who they are today.’ Not who they were when we met them, not who they were last Christmas, not the sister who hurt us deeply years ago or husband who made the parenting choice that still angers us.
I think a contemporary interpretation of Saint Francis’ popular maxim for relationships is “Be who we are and leave our baggage at the door!”
That, I believe, is how we can bring peace to relationships that are most intimate, and most important to us.
It is so easy to keep bringing up the pain, either in deed or in words, with our loved ones. It’s convenient to draw upon that transgression in arguments. Whether we are the offended or the offender, when we do this, we cannot move forward. We cannot feel peace that loving relationships require.
In my own experience with such conflict I try to take a slow, deep breath, set my intention and draw upon the little virtues that St. Francis espouses - patience, humility, and gentleness.
Our patron saint tells us we must be patient with others but most patient with ourselves. We must recognize how hard it is to keep our mouths shut and stop dwelling about past conflicts. Saint Francis tells us that conflict is important for growth and relationship, but in facing such conflicts we must bring more to the table than the infraction, we must bring these little virtues if we want to achieve true peace.
A favorite song of mine by The Divine Comedy “Don’t Mention the War” has a great line about conflict:
“Come and forget all the
your wrongs and my wrongs
Live and let live
and let bygones be bygones”
How do we do this? How do we really allow bygones to be bygones? Francis helps us with this. Bygones become bygones when we honestly and humbly recognize that we stand with stones in our hands, ready to throw them at those closest to us.
Saint Francis, echoing Jesus’ own suggestions, reminds us to drop the stone, set our pride aside, and humbly acknowledge our weaknesses. There’s no use keeping score in relationships but, reminding ourselves that we are the creators as much as the recipients of pain may help us let bygones truly be bygones.
In the context of seeking peace in relationships, I believe Francis’ instruction on humility is most insightful. He suggests that a good beginning for learning humility is simply to bend to the will of others when we are not required to. Our patron saint affirms this when he writes, “Blessed are the hearts that bend, for they shall never be broken.”
In bending to the will of others, we recognize that we are all broken, we are all sinners who can forgive and be forgiven, who can be broken and be healed.
Our loved ones want to be forgiven as much as we do, they want to be accepted and loved for who they are today, not reminded of their worst moments or greatest sins.
The same can be said about work relationships.. Similar conflicts arise at work when our colleagues make mistakes or when we treat them based upon their behavior of the past. Of course, we must address errors and poor judgment at work, but we can also forgive. Truly forgive.
Forgiveness is not something reserved for family and or church only. Francis calls us to live our ordinary lives, in an extraordinary way. By bringing the Salesian little virtues to our offices, our boardrooms and our classrooms, we can do just that. We can even bring these to our volunteer and parish activities.
When we humbly step out of the limelight and let others shine. When we patiently deal with that overzealous co-worker. When we graciously and humbly promote ourselves on LinkedIn. When we gently offer feedback and modestly accept criticism. When we do all this, we are living these virtues and, in doing so, we achieve unity that can foster meaningful relationships as well as professional growth and financial gain.
What makes bringing peace into my own life so challenging is that like you, I have so many meaningful relationships I must nurture. So, just when I feel peace with my husband and seven siblings and all is well at work and in the volunteer world, there are still kids to deal with and one of them will tap a nerve, set a spark, and that uneasy feeling of conflict arises again.
And, this happens pretty much every day. How can it not?
I am mother to four children, three teenage boys and a 20 year old daughter. I think my kids are incredible. (They are kind and, loving. They live to the fullest and know who they are.) But day in and day out, our house is a loud, chaotic, place where schedules are crossing, moods intersecting, and conflicts abound. Every. Single. Day.
We live in our lovely, but small, Philadelphia rowhouse that seems to be shrinking in size and increasing in stress. The boys are all bigger than me, my front door is a revolving one of their friends, and there never seems to be a moment of silence.
My oldest is in college in NY but she come home so much you’d think she was just down the road. So much for leaving the nest!
What I have found in two decades of parenting is that the older my kids get, the harder it is to maintain peace in my home. I always thought that once they were independent and self-sufficient mini-adults I could step back and breathe a sigh of relief. Boy was I wrong. Dead wrong.
The conflicts we experience are much more complicated and seem to have deeper consequences than teaching them to share toys or not fight over who gets the top bunk.
Mostly, we argue over their choices… I am realizing that I may have taken efforts to raise self-directed children just a bit too far!
We argue abot where and how they spend their Saturday nights; what’s appropriate behavior with their girlfriends; and why their every moment does NOT need to be documented on TikTock. Conflicts arise over about friend choices, alcohol use, what they watch on you tube and why curfews are imposed, even at the ripe old of 15!
I have developed a keen radar for when these arguments will begin. Tomorrow I expect I’ll awake to whining about attending Mass, and finishing homework before midnight.
In my role as mother, again, I seek solace, comfort and guidance in the words of Saint Francis and direction from the Oblates. I draw upon Francis’ call to try to live a life of gentleness.
When my kids test my greatest limit, when I want to scream at them, when they make those dangerous choices, and when they do exactly what I told them not to do, I try to remember Francis’ words: “When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.”
“Bending but not breaking” is such a wonderful image for finding peace in parenting. Being an engaged parent is such a precarious role as at any point you say the wrong thing, respond without gentleness, and that’s it. You’ve lost that moment. And then you must patiently find your way back.
Saint Francis states that it is easier to be patient with those whom we do not greatly esteem, because we do not expect great charity from them. In family relationships, the proximity and familiarity make it easiest for them to hurt us. In these exchanges, we often need to demonstrate the most amount of patience.
In all family relationships – partner, parent, siblings - I believe Francis’ greatest lesson is that it’s only through a calm and still heart will we achieve real peace – peace of mind, peace of spirit. When our hearts are collectors of wrongs, when we remind our spouse and children of their failures instead of their successes, then we remove any opportunity for us, our relationship, our family or our home, to experience true peace.
This lack of peace also derives from insecurity and fear. Our imaginations can take us down dark paths of worry and pain. We send out kids off to the bus stop, parties, the prom, big games, to college, and each time they walk out that door we launch them into a world full of drugs, bullying, social media, stress, pressure, and so much more. We embrace their growth but with each step they take, our anxiety can grow, and we can miss the chance to be fully present for them and for ourselves.
Again, I look to Saint Francis who comforts us with his insight and words:
“Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He is your keeper. He has kept you hitherto. Do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms. Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. Our Father will either shield you from suffering, or He will give you strength to bear it.”
When I look at my role of mother, it is Francis’ direction, more than anything else, that has helped me enjoy, celebrate, and truly treasure the opportunity to change a messy diaper, sit through a painful piano recital, comfort a child after a loss, make dinner for six, or stand at the sidelines on a cold, blustery day.
Each and every moment I am allowed to be a mother to these children I am engaging in a holy act. That is what I have learned from Francis. That is what the Oblates taught me: that in the simple, ordinary acts I perform every single day, I am living Jesus.
There is true beauty and grace in the mundane tasks of caring for children and running a household. The world will, and has acknowledged, what I have achieved in my career as a business owner, professor and consultant. Fewer accolades however come from being a wife, a mom, a sister. Francis tells me that whoever I am and whatever I am doing, when I am using the gifts that I’ve so generously been given, then I am holy. I am doing God’s will.
I will close with a humble directive: If you want to be at peace, seek Francis. Read his teaching, subscribe to the Oblate newsletter DeSales Weekly, start your day with an Oblate reflection. Since first being introduced to Salesian Spirituality two decades ago, I’ve had my fair share of conflict where I needed support. I needed gentleness. Above all I needed peace – with myself, my family, and my God. Francis’ teachings soothed, comforted, and inspired me. They continue to teach me the real power of patience, humility, and gentleness.
We have spent much of this morning reflecting on the power of Saint Francis’ words and how they have inspired, comforted and led our lives. Despite the conflicts, and perhaps in unison with those conflicts, his lessons are alive in my busy home.
My children console one other by saying “Just be who you are,” and they understand that setting the table for our family dinner is a holy, meaningful and critical act in the course of our day. Mostly Francis has taught us to live today well.
Francis’ teachings and his many maxims are powerful calls to live with and through Jesus. They encourage us to seek peace. They support us when we do so. And so, I say to you all, when you want to find peace in your lives; find Francis and he will show you how to Live Jesus!
